Remorse
by sinking815
Summary: Kate had been so sure she could handle hearing his name voiced again, had convinced herself that the other survivors were whispering behind her back unnecessarily. But Kate had underestimated how much one syllable could mean... POST I Do spec.


_Remorse_  
_By Sinking815_  
_November 15th, 2006_

_A/N: Let the Jangst begin! So just a little one-shot to keep that ball rolling through what I like to call the Hiatus of Doom. I mean seriously, I lived for LOST and now TPTB are making us wait like 13 weeks?!?! No fair! But even after "I Do" which now that I've watched it a million times and am no longer smarting from well, you know what scene, I thought the end was BRILLIANT and SUBTLE! So keep the faith guys, that triangle ain't anywhere near finished. And as always, please read and review!_

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She did not feel the cool moisture of the earth against her hands or the grit rubbing viciously along the insides of her fingers. She did not feel the sting of nettles biting into the stained and raw skin of her palms as she determinedly uprooted weed after weed. She did not feel the usual clamminess that clung to her cheeks, neck and chest whenever she was involved in some task that required physical exertion. Her mind was empty, cold, numb—she just did not feel. 

As she stood and watched her friend pound and pack dirt and rip away plants, Sun knew that empty helplessness all too well. It had only been a few weeks ago, she mused, that she herself had been wreaking havoc on this garden for the very same reasons she suspected Kate was here now. Ironically, Kate had been the one to pull her out of her workaholic like manner and offered some solace in one of Sun's most arduous moments. She only hoped she could somehow return the favor.

But what could anyone possibly say or do to ease the palpable hurt radiating off Kate and the ever-growing sweatspot on her gray t-shirt? What battle could she, Sun Kwon, win for someone who was waging war simultaneously against her heart, her mind, and a garden? The longer she waited, the more Sun felt her original purpose waning with the sun's dying light.

Caught in her own moment of defeat, Sun was helpless to the feeling of déjà vu that seemed to creep closer as night stalked slowly in from the surrounding jungle. Swept back in a ponytail, much the same way it had been those many weeks ago, Kate's wavy hair had fallen in locks to loosely frame her face, the dark color of her strands a flattering contrast to her flushed cheeks. Sun remembered that he had noticed the unkempt beauty before him too, and could clearly recall that light Kate unknowingly put into his dark hazel eyes. Unfortunately, she had the strongest suspicion, he was the reason Kate was here now.

As quickly as the memory had come, it disappeared into the recesses of Sun's mind. That was for a time when they both played hard-to-get, smiled coyly at each other across a blazing bonfire, and the only complaints anyone had was for the two of them to just say it to each other already.

But then something had changed. Something that meant only Sawyer and Kate would come trudging wearily up the beach after a few weeks away from camp. Something that meant, despite the pointed questions dancing in all their eyes, curt answers were all they'd antagonize out of Sawyer and a punctuated silence was all they could coax out of Kate. Something, that to everyone, meant, the one conspicuously missing wasn't coming back anytime soon.

Taking a cautious yet deliberate step closer to the garden's edge, Sun sighed, as if realizing that moment had transpired years ago, instead of just weeks, and that reminiscing on that event was like hoping to turn back time itself. She may as well try to grow apples with guava seeds.

The rows of saplings shot forward from her feet, pointing like a compass needle directly to an exhausted Kate. She'd stopped punishing her hands and the earth and had rocked back on her lower legs, her hands swollen, red, and bleeding hanging limpy at her sides. She watched Kate reach numbly for her half-empty water bottle and pull a vicious swig before swiping her forehead with the back of her hand. The smear of blood, sweat, and dirt leaves a visible stain across her pale skin and Sun wondered if perhaps that was somehow a clue to the invisible stain marking Kate's heart.

Crouching to her knees and easing slowly forward, Sun recognized the look of utter defeat weighing heavily on her friend's petite features and pressing down on her narrow shoulders. She cleared her throat softly, trying to get Kate's attention without spooking her entirely. When Kate visibly jumped and froze wide-eyed like a deer blinded in highbeams, Sun realized just how deep in Kate was.

"Sun!" Kate exclaimed, when the immediate shock slowly faded away. "You scared me!"

Absently she twisted the cap back on, fully aware of her friend's dark eyes scrutinizing her every move. With the casual wave of a hand that tried not to shake, Kate smoothed back the stubborn locks of hair that had fallen from her ponytail and nervously played with the hem of her shirt. The orange fabric never seemed to quite want to reach the line of her jeans anymore and somehow Kate felt suddenly conscious of the thin line of tanned skin exposed between them. The silence between Sun and herself was growing stiffer and Kate almost panicked with the urge to break it. She put herself on the defensive.

"How long have you been sitting there?"

The voice behind the question sound suspicious and although Sun felt stung initially by the accusing tone, she knew not to hold it against Kate. She had learned over the past few months, that Kate was in a dangerous place right now, caught somewhere between explosive rage and obliterating pain, that if pushed, whatever she suspected was bothering Kate, would quickly and efficiently be locked with a water-proof seal behind walls of granite. And once hidden away, buried beneath layers of baggage and the missing weeks she didn't care to share, no one would ever pry it out of her. As she edged slightly closer, as if approaching a scared and wounded animal, Sun knew exactly what Kate was worried her friend might have noticed in the few minutes when her usual tough-girl façade was forgotten to her grief.

"Not long," Sun said gently. "I just thought you could use the company." She paused, gauging the other woman's reaction. The suspicion had left Kate's ready-to-run stance, but still lingered distantly in the green flecks of her eyes. She offered her a wide-smile, one Kate half-heartedly returned, and then added, "Is everything okay?"

Kate nodded, her eyes darting to the ground, her hands twisting awkwardly in her lap. For a brief second, Sun smiled, recognizing the familiar unnerved gestures of a man who had lived with them not too long ago, and wondered whether Kate knew she was imitating the one person no one wanted to discuss.

Instead of calling her on it, Sun leaned forward, her weight shifting from her seat to her knees, and began to gently pull weeds from underneath a sapling a few trees ahaed of Kate. She waited, watching from the corner of her eye, until she saw Kate ease back into her work and noticed with a quiet relief that her movements were steadier, calmer. After a few minutes of tense silence, Sun broke into the rising uncomfortable quiet, her voice maintaining that pacific and soothing tone.

"Back in Korea," she started, not glancing up though Kate did just that at the sound of her voice breaking through the quiet once again. "Jin used to go out on business a lot. He'd be gone for days at a time and I became nervous and frightened whenever I was alone. One time, he was late and I couldn't reach him on his phone and I started to panic. I was slicing fish and cut myself, but I was so anxious I didn't even notice. When he finally got home, the first thing he asked me was why I had bled all over dinner."

Sun smiled and laughed softly at the memory, then paused in her weeding and glanced up at Kate. The other woman was watching her with that sad look on her face, the one she got whenever she twisted a small toy airplane between the tips of her fingers, the one she gave the ocean every once in a while, the one she threw towards an empty tent with a billowing tarp when she thought no one was looking.

"Why are you telling me this, Sun?" Kate asked, her entire body frozen as if she were rooted to the spot like the saplings around her. Her brows were knitted slightly in confusion and her eyes looked wet with unshed tears. Sun thought it looked like heartache personified.

"Because, Kate," Sun said, her voice gentle despite the slightest bit of exasperation. "Your hands are scratched and bleeding. And you've been working yourself crazy you haven't even noticed. That tells me you're not okay."

Sun's shoulders slumped, deflating with the rush of her statement. She watched Kate shift uncomfortably on her knees, saw the other woman's eyes dart quickly to the side searching for a quick escape route, but to her relief Kate stayed put. After a few minutes of tense silence, minutes in which Sun had thought several times about pushing Kate further and then wisely deciding against it, she was met with a pair of green eyes. Wounded green eyes that were pleading with her for… something and Sun did what she thought was being asked of her. She waited.

Kate dropped the stare, glancing to her bloodied aching hands and feeling the sickening twist of remorse knife through her stomach. The growing lump in her throat felt like it might smother her in the overwhelming grief she couldn't ignore, couldn't hide from, couldn't run from. She swiped angrily at the traitorous tears that moistened her eyes with a bright sheen and she swallowed hard, knowing she was fighting a losing battle

"I just…" she started, but stopped when the remorse snatched her voice from her and her resolve to not break down shuddered under its weight. When she spoke next, it was with a waver that made her hate herself for exposing her weakness so openly and made Sun's face fall into an expression of sympathy and compassion.

"I can't stop thinking about him… worrying about him…"

"Who?" Sun asked, confused and upset at the unexpected change in her friend. "Sawyer?"

Kate winced visibly, choking on a shaky breath, her eyes clamped harshly against the tears demanding to fall. She bit her lump, willing herself to pick up what pieces she still had, and shook her head.

Staring straight ahead, it dawned on Sun just who could bring Kate to the lowest of the lows. Who could make Kate sit for hours, isolated and staring vacantly into the ocean. Who could reduce strong independent Kate to a quivering trembling mess.

But as Sun had learned from the past two months, nothing was ever black and white with Kate and his name needed to be asked.

Feeling like she was sending a death blow, Sun barely whispered, "Jack?"

Kate had been sure she could handle hearing his name voiced aloud. She had convinced herself that despite the fact that most of the other survivors did everything in their power not to say it, that she could her step wouldn't falter. But she had underestimated how much one syllable meant to her and she couldn't help collapsing, her last bit of fight sounding like a strangled cry of pain.

"Kate," Sun started, unsure as to what she could possibly say to ease the hurt. "You did everything you…"

"No," Kate snapped, suddenly. Her green eyes flashed with fire and it was Sun's turn to wince though she suspected that anger wasn't meant for her. She sniffed and swiped a dirty hand across her wet cheeks, another dark smear marring her ravaged skin. "I betrayed him, Sun."

"Kate, that's not…"

"He did everything he could to save me," Kate continued. "And I betrayed him."

Sun opened her mouth to protest again, but closed it, realizing Kate wasn't in the mood or the right frame of mind to deal with rational thought. Two weeks ago, when they had come walking back up the beach, Sawyer had said the Others had simply let them go, and that they didn't know what had happened to Jack. But her friend wasn't making any sense, and she only hoped something would start to fall in place.

"They took me to see him…" Kate said, her eyes focused vacantly on the distant memory.

"The Others?" Sun asked.

Kate barely nodded. "…and I stood there, looking him in the eye, and I couldn't… I had to…"

Her voice drifted off, and for a moment Sun thought she wasn't going to finish. After a shuddering breath, Kate looked up, finding Sun's concerned brown gaze.

"I couldn't tell him…" she said. "I couldn't say it to him, so I lied. Again."

Kate paused, her lower lip trembling, her whole body shaking with the aftershocks of the emotional release. And then she whispered, softly enough to make Sun lean forward to catch the words before they disintegrated into the jungle air.

"I love him."


End file.
